I’ve been up since 4 am because of my cough. Its a good thing. I’ve been thinking about my blocks… my blocks are the areas that i still make bad choices in.
For e.g. Raghu did not want dinner last evening. But i forced him (not physically but verbally) to sit and taste the rasam I’d made the way he likes it and had asked for only a day before. Why did i do that? Normally its not an issue. “I was watching my niece and daughter eating dinner. I was tired and grouchy because of my bad throat and cough. I knew he’d be hungry later and did not want to deal with it. I bet that if i told him that he’d say “no problem Amma… I’ll get some milk and cereal myself”… Dammit he is so considerate. Just honoring the child’s need in that moment meant i would have to accept him eating cold cereal for dinner… something that goes against the Indian-hot-meal-is best-mindset.” Back to the dinner… once he tasted the rasam he enjoyed it and asked for brown rice and yogurt. But he ate very little and was done soon.
I made a bad choice. I could have laid out some food for him in the fridge… but the fridge was crowded and I’d have to clean it out to make space… and that weighed on me too. Still a bad choice forcing him. If i had honored his need for no dinner… he’d have eaten cereal probably or helped himself to some cold rice. Why is that bad? A block to be slowly ripped and replaced with conversation, choices other than the one choice that seems to overtake my mind.
Sometimes as a mom of young kids who is learning late in life about “choices” i find myself knocking myself on the blocks despite knowing and having better tools. Its better to listen and accept food choices… the easier one to navigate than say wanting to buy a 2000 Rs. toy.
Back to why its good mornings… every morning is good here. We wake when we feel rested and we eat as we will each morning. Its a good feeling. And today i shall get a whole new day to really hear my children’s voices… voices that come from knowing their bodies as best they can at this early stage of unschooling.
I’m unblocking, reminding myself that there are multiple choices in every scenario, hating my postmortems, wanting to do it right each time, reminding myself that its the feeling-blocked-moments that need my fullest attention and wishing myself a very good morning.